I Keep A Jar of Vick's In My Pocket At Work

Have people never seen a commercial? Why do people try meth? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE JESUS CHRIST NO YOU CANNOT BUY ANY MORE SUDAFED THIS WEEK.

Also, I would never let anybody pay me in gum. (Sorry, I watch a lot of TV.)

It was a very long week. I mean, I love my job, but I don't love it when somebody with meth mouth comes in and yells at me because I won't sell them six boxes of Claritin.

Merry Christmas

A Bad Gift Giving Guide: What You Shouldn't Give As A Gift To Your Significant Other This Holiday Season (all currently available on eBay)

-Ear piercing gun (comes with free studs!)
32 results

-Chastity Belt
42 results

-Val Kilmer autograph
2 results

-Used bras
1,134 results

-American Girl Doll/Accessories (Addy only)
386 results

-Canadian Mountie Hat
6 results

-Team Jacob Water Bottle
3 results

-Empty Ink Cartridges
359 results

-HD DVD player
871 results

-Life-sized cardboard cutout of Han Solo
1 result

Have a happy holiday.

Truth

The only thing I'm good at is neglecting this website.

I'm Going To Have To Bite My Lips Until The Bleed

Things I Have Been Asked Not To Ask The Guy Who Is Visiting Us This Weekend, Because It Is Not Nice To Make Fun Of An Old Guy Who Just Happens To Be Named Merlin:

-Do you know magic?

-Why don't you look more like Nicol Williamson?

-What was it like to hang out with King Arthur?

-You totally got to third base with The Lady of the Lake, didn't you?

-Did you know that, your father allegedly being an incubus, that you are currently being portrayed in the Twilight books as something that glitters in the sunlight and drinks human blood?

What I've Been Up To? Other Than Being In Bed

I've pretty much spent the last two weeks in bed. I don't have the flu, I never did have the flu, I had bronchitis. Freaking bronchitis? I've never had that in my life. The only problem was, I ignored it long enough that it turned into pneumonia, and after a heavy course of prednisone, amoxicillin, and cough syrup with codeine, I finally got out of bed today. Well, I got out of bed on Monday, too, but that's just because I had to go to K-Mart and pick up some other OTC medications for the various other problems I managed to pick up, none of which are sexy (they're all kind of, well, gross).

So, as of today, I am out of bed and desperate for a job. Again. I've looked on the job service website, and there are some things I'm definitely interested in (librarian assistant, secretary, blah blah blah) and some things I'm definitely not interested in (2 hours a day unloading packages for UPS). So, come Monday, my tax refund and I are going applying. And I might buy a new cardigan. And some shoes. I've lost 22 pounds in the past two weeks. I know that's not good, and it's probably just water weight, but all of my pants are loose, so I'm pretty stoked about it. Maybe instead of shoes, I should get a belt.

God, is it almost 11:30 pm? I've been going to bed at like 7:30. No wonder I'm so tired and cranky.

Write or Wrong

Yesterday, two people independently approached me, and they each asked me to help them write a book. One person wants to write about fairies, the other a humor book about finding a job. Guess which one appeals to me more.

I don't know if I'll help out with either, but how funny is that, two people think that I could write a book (or half a book). I can't write a paragraph without being distracted.

It Smells Like The Reading Room

A few years ago, a good friend of mine gave me a copy of Practical English And The Command Of Words, a faux-leather-bound three-ring binder of weekly English lessons for adults. The book is not actually the edition that link goes to; my copy was published in 1955, which makes it a year older than my dad. I've never gone through the lessons, although it has proven to be a valuable resource in proving that I'm right when Gabe wants to dispute my grammar.

The thing is, I know all of the rules, but I just don't follow them. I'm like an English teacher gone bad; I start sentences with coordinating conjunctions and end them with prepositions. I can remember the first time anybody had berated me for poor form. My first-grade teacher bitched me out for saying "me and Sara" instead of "Sara and I." Seventeen years later, and I still get a cheap thrill from doing it wrong. What was left for me to rebel against in my middle-class upbringing?

Anyway, I have this book, and it's in pretty amazing shape for being over fifty years old. It smells like an old library, and none of the worksheets are even filled out. I'm so bored lately that I'm thinking about going through it, taking the little lessons and maybe learning something. I've flipped through it, and it is absolutely fantastic. The whole thing seems to have this sexist slant, but hey, I'm not expecting a book published in the mid-50's to be The Vagina Monologues. Which sucked, by the way.

Echo

So I'm all alone in the house. My father-in-law is on a job site in Casper right now, which is, according to Google Maps, 140 miles (or 2 hours, 46 minutes), but 193 miles (3 hours, 57 minutes) the way they actually drove.

It's kind of creepy being alone in my in-laws little house. I know I've mentioned it, but I live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. I don't even live within any city's limits. It's never made me jumpy before, but I am the most paranoid person you'll probably ever meet. I prefer to think of it as being cautious, but I doubt anybody agrees with me. For example, this evening, there was a storm that shook the house, and the gusts of wind made the tree branches scrape against the ground. I freaked, called Gabe, and ruined his dinner by asking what to do just in case of a tornado. Like, hey, I know you're enjoying your Bloomin' Onions, but just in case I die, could you tell my mother I love her?

Luckily, as I mentioned in my Twitter, I have hit the motherlode of beauty-products in the back closet by the bathroom, so I've had plenty to do. I've never ventured inside it before, except to get bandaids or aspirin, but it's always been an option. One of the first things Gabe's mom told me when we moved in was to help myself to any of the beauty crap they keep accumulating back there. They often buy things, try them once, and then toss them in that closet. For the last six or seven hours, I've been having what Smacky refered to as a solo slumber party. I've played with moisturizers, creams, nail polishes, basically enjoying the fact that I have two days to myself to be as much of a girl as I want. I love playing with makeup curling irons as much as I did when I was younger. The only downside is that most of the abandoned makeup is lipstick, and even though I'm girly to the core, I never wear lipstick.

Anyway, I'm a little scared to be alone in this house right now. What if somebody broke in? I don't know if they even have a gun, much less where they would keep it. I'm armed only with an arsenal of abandoned, once-used-and-forgotten beauty supplies from the back closet. So if a thief shows up, all I can offer is the TV's and and maybe an eyebrow waxing.

POWERTHIRST

Ok, I know everybody on the planet has seen this, but oh man, I can't stop watching.

Fingernails

I took a trip to Walgreen's with Gabe the other day. I was intending to look at fake nails. My last try to put on acrylics at home was absolutely awful. Since nobody who reads this is very girly, you can easily skip the next paragraph to avoid wanting to bash your face in with a 3 hole punch. Or you can go look up the new Transformers on Imdb because it's going to be a whole lot more interesting.

I bought an at-home acrylic nail kit a few months ago. I had gotten my nails done right before we moved here, and I almost immediately snapped a nail off. In Colorado, that wasn't a problem; my nail tech was really nice, and if I managed to break a nail within a week of having them done, he fixed it for free. Here, it costs $10 to get one nail fixed. $10! That's half what I paid for a full set in Colorado! I realized it was cheaper to buy an at-home acrylic set from Walgreen's than to have somebody fix it professionally. And I've been getting my nails done off and on for years and years, and I'm a fairly observant person, so I figured I could do it, no problem. My advice to you is NEVER BE THAT STUPID, NO, NO YOU CANNOT PUT ON ACRYLICS AT HOME. It's messy, and you have to be really, really precise. (Sarcasm:) Who knew you had to, like, take classes and practice and stuff?

Anyway, it was an absolute disaster, and a month later, I tried again, and it was awful.

So when I saw this product at Walgreen's yesterday, I don't know why I bought it. Maybe because it was gel nails, not acrylic. Acrylics have this magic brush, and it's like trying to spread Vaseline evenly on a dirt hill using a shovel. But gel nails! Those are like just painting on nail polish, only putting it under UV light afterwards.

However, this new, awesome kit makes it so you don' t need a UV light. I put them on last night, and it still took several hours to figure out the precise combination of tube A and tube B, but the results look almost as good as the box. There's some truth in advertising right there.

Ok, so uh...fuck acrylic nails at home, and at the salon, too, because unless you get fills, they just destroy your nails. And yay for gel nails! Sorry for being so overly girly on you.

That Is One Poorly-Structured Paragraph, But I Am Too Tired To Edit

It's 1:14 in the morning, and I think it's time that I stop drinking Mr. Pibb in the evenings because I'm sitting on the porch in 50 degree weather, surrounded by moths, and my leg won't stop twitching.

Anyway, while looking for funny YouTube videos this evening, I stumbled upon this guy, and I think he's funny as hell. If you have some spare time, maybe you should check out his video blog. He kind of reminds me of Ze Frank, who was also pretty funny, but also included a lot of shit about ducks.

Anyway, I'm currently torrenting The Sims 3 (which is at 2.3%, shh!) because I don't want to shell out $40 out of the current $40 I have to see if it's any good. Anyway, The Sims 3 looks about the same as the Sims 2 with better graphics. I loved the first Sims game, and I played it up until 2007, when I finally caved and tried The Sims 2. I haven't touched the regular Sims since, allowing to let the 400 families I created rot at the bottom of my hard drive. Luckily, my in-laws also gave me their old computer, which has a 150 GB hard drive, enough RAM to choke a baby, and a graphics card so powerful it could bench press a VW. Why they upgraded to a new desktop last year is beyond me, considering they don't even use their desktop; they use one of those mini computers with an 8 gig hard drive that runs entirely off a f'ing SD card and runs so slow it would be faster to use the post office instead of email. The only problem with my new/old computer is that it doesn't come with a monitor, keyboard, or mouse. Luckily, I just so happen to have an extra keyboard and mouse in my closet because Gabe is a nerd, and he already has the cables to hook it up to our television, again, with the nerd thing. All my nerd-knowledge came with the nerd husband, who not only taught me how to torrent, but also came with a suitcase of crossover cables and the knowledge to get me all of the chaos emeralds so I can be super Sonic with none of the effort.

Ok, no more Pibb for me. Night, interntet.

Fuck You, Jimmy Eat World. And You Mandy Patinkin.

This is something that Kate put up again, that she stole from Smacky who posted it years ago, in a hole in the bottom of the sea. But since my blog imploded, it's not like I've got this game lurking somewhere in my archives, so hey, I can steal, too.

Sorry to be a bandwagoner, guys.

[Open your favorite computerized music player, set it to shuffle, and then ask each of these questions.]

What do you think of me, iTunes?
"Electable (Give It Up)," Jimmy Eat World

Will I have a happy life?
"Weird Divide" The Shins

What do my friends really think of me?
"Old School Reasons" Alkaline Trio

How can I make myself happy?
"Jesusland" Ben Folds

What should I do with my life?
"Down To The Old Pub Instead" Stephen Lynch

Why must life be so full of pain?
"An Idea For A Movie" The Vandals

Will I ever have children?
"The One" Old 97's

Will I die happy?
"The Impossible Dream" performed by Mandy Patinkin

Can you give me some advice?
"Comme Des Enfants" Coeur De Pirate

What do you think happiness is?
"If I Ever Leave This World Alive" Flogging Molly

Now it's your turn.

My Preoccupation

So there we were, one person who probably can't even stand the other, one person who would like nothing more than to just ditch this whole event to talk to the first. Our conversation was polite, but too vague. And even thought it was the most awkward elevator ride, I thought that I never wanted it to reach your floor. But it did, and when I got out I realized I could still smell your lingering cologne, hear your voice in my ears, and as soon as those doors opened again, I ran as fast as I could through the hotel lobby, away from any remnants of you.

Nurr

Why is dial-up more expensive than DSL? Even if it's sucky DSL, it's still better.

Frustrated Scream

I'm looking all over the internet for these pseudo-sunglasses. They're kind of funny, right? I'm going to a hipster wedding soon, and I really think that this would be the perfect thing to stick in there with their real gift. However, I've been on Google for two hours now, trying to find them. My brain is fried. They're not hipster sunglasses, face shades, or ironic eyewear+awning+made in China. What would you call them?


(picture stolen from latfh.com)

What?

Where did all my posts go?