Sep 29 2014


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Back in May, I joined (heavy sigh) a dating website because I wanted a boyfriend. I talked to a lot of guys, and because I’ve never really looked for a boyfriend before, I didn’t realize how disgusting men are. All of my relationships are just something I fell into, whether it was a friendship that became something more or a chance encounter that turned serious, but actively searching for somebody and them knowing what you’re up to? Some guys apparently use it as an excuse to be complete perverts.

Rule 1, guys. Don’t text a dick pic to an unsuspecting lady.

I know that I’m woefully naive about certain things, especially when it comes to men, so I always had at least one person who had full access to all of my information if I ended up in a ditch somewhere. Luckily, only one of the guys I went out with turned out to be completely insane, which he demonstrated by pushing me up against a wall in his apartment and wrapping his hands around my neck, then whispering into my ear “because I can.”

Rule 2, guys. Don’t even kind-of choke people unless those limits are clearly fucking defined. I’ve never been so afraid in my life.

Obviously, I did not go out with him again.

I met two other guys, one was a father of three who was really into Doctor Who and works for a really nerdy company that rhymes with StinkMeek. He wasn’t interested in anything serious, or even monogamous, and it turns out that I can be crazy jealous, so that didn’t work out. The other runner-up was a nice 39-year-old man who had never had a girlfriend longer than two months in his life, and at first, that kind of worried me, and then by our second date, I had what I think Oprah calls an aha moment. Dude was insane. We got into a fight waiting for a table at the Cheesecake Factory because he apparently thought he was The Pickup Artist and kept insulting me slightly and then pretending he was just kidding. Look, if I need somebody to take my self-esteem down a notch, I’ll just call my mom and discuss why I don’t have a B.A. even though I’m 28 years old.

Then, I met T. He was not what I was expecting at all. He’s 29, he likes poker, he has 3 roommates, and works for a software company. Clearly, I have a thing for semi-nerdy boys (look at the last, oh, everybody I’ve ever dated) and he had dark hair and a sideways smile, plus he plays 6 instruments, so I agreed to go out with him. We met at a Starbucks on a Thursday night at about 9 pm, and I expected to be there maybe an hour or two, and because I’d been striking out so well lately, I figured he’d never call me again.

We were there until 4 am, just laughing and talking and joking around. He is pretty much the smartest person I’ve ever met even though he’s only beaten me once in Words with Friends which drives him crazy because he wins against me at everything else. He is a good cook and I like him a lot. We went to Delaware this summer because he found out I’d never seen the Atlantic. We go camping and bowling and all sorts of fun things. We’ve been together for a little shy of five months now, and I’m actually typing this on his couch because he went to bed awhile back and I had too much coffee today.

T. has been excellent with helping me with my homework now that I’ve gone back to school. I’m taking 15 credits, which was maybe a bad idea for my first semester back in seven years, and I’m overwhelmed because I’m still working 30 hours a week. I’m actually taking next week off work because I can tell that I’m about to crack under the pressure, and if I didn’t have my little genius to help me properly conjugate -ar verbs in Spanish, I don’t know what I’d do. Like I said, he knows almost everything. He knows Captain Crunch’s full name (Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, in case you were wondering) and what a cosine is and he can calculate percentages during an 8-person poker game to know how likely he is to win based on the cards he can see, and I miss a lot of what he’s talking about, but did I mention he has dimples? He’s pretty freaking cute.

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Apr 08 2014

Samsung and iPhone

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One of the hardest parts of living in Virginia, apart from being so far from almost everybody that I know, is living in an area where its nearly impossible to get internet. I get mine through Verizon, but I have to pay an extra $10 or $15 a month to have my iPhone turn into a hotspot, and even then it’s sketchy at best. Unfortunately, I can’t download anything over that connection, so if I have to do anything like that, I have to go to the library.

However I do have a pretty sweet Samsung tablet with a talk to text feature that doesn’t understand punctuation or grammar or capitalization or sarcasm, but it’s still a lot of fun to use. Technology as a whole has not forsaken me yet.

Work has been absolutely ridiculous, but that’s pretty par for the course. I really can’t wait until I’m finished with school, which means I have to go back to school, and get a real job. One semester off turned in the six years a little too quickly. I’m tentatively set up for this fall as long as the extra FAFSA paperwork I have to do goes through

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Mar 22 2014


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I used to be very proud of my excellent vision. People would say “You’re so lucky that you don’t need glasses!” and I would reply “Don’t be jealous; I had braces!”

The past several months, I’ve noticed that things are a little blurrier. I could’t read street signs without squinting, and my eyes just felt tired at the end of the day. I decided to make an appointment to see an optometist.

I’m sure you’re not surprised that I needed glasses. this was like two months ago, I posted it on Facebook/Twitter, and there is also a giant picture of me wearing glasses to the right of this paragraph.

Secretly (or not-so-secretly because I talked about this a lot as a kid) I’ve always kind of wanted glasses for the fashion aspect. Glasses make you look smart, and with my high-pitched voice and blonde hair, I really can use all the IQ points that one can slap on my face. My brother wears glasses. My mom wears glasses. Velma wears glasses! Glasses are awesome!

Since I am a cheap bastard, I ordered two pairs of glasses on the internet, my primary pair and a backup pair, and I spent about $22 (plus shipping). I love the internet. It is amazing the difference the glasses make. I like to sit at Starbucks and flip them up and down while looking at the menu from across the room.

What I don’t like is that I don’t have prescription sunglasses, and I’m always forgetting to buy some of those clip ones when I’m at Walgreens. Last Thursday, my work had a meeting for all of the senior technicians in Chantilly, and they arranged rides from the Metro to the office park for all of them, but they didn’t arrange rides back to the Metro. Being the big old softie I am, I offered to drive a Buickfull of them to the closes stop at 5 pm. Since I am lucky not to have to leave the city I live to get to work everyday, I didn’t realize how freaking awful traffic is. And I had to drive west. At 5 pm. I had to layer old sunglasses on top of my regular glasses like an idiot while crawling on at 5 feet a minute with the rest of the suckers on the beltway. People stared. Children cried. (Ok, no children cried.) I wanted some liquor, and I wanted it now. I ended up having frozen yogurt for dinner with my friend Lindsay instead.

It’s Saturday. Have I bought those clip things yet? Nope. Because I am a suuuuucker.

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Jun 08 2013

Eldy Crocker

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I was served my divorce papers earlier this week, so in a months’ time, I’ll be able to go back to LDH rather than LDM. Thats all done and over, so now I can talk about what’s really important. Recipes.

I used to really enjoy baking, and I had a box of cards and recipes all neatly printed at one point, and unfortunately, that box of cards was lost somewhere in the last-minute shuffle between there and here, and now I had to start from scratch, twelve years of perfected recipes down the drain. Not that I’m complaining; half the fun of baking is tweaking and changing to try to find the best combination of everything. It’s a delicious science experiment, and unlike when I was 14 and began baking, I have a vague idea of what works and what doesn’t. I’m not starting at the beginning.

The first trial-and-error I’m going with is one that needed to be tweaked anyway. I’ve always made banana bread the way my mum did, the same sticky-sweet mess with the thick, dark crust that was crunchy on the outside and a bit gooey in the middle. I’ve made probably 30 loaves over the years, slowly adapting her recipe here and there, and last week, I tried again. As I was taking a slice, I thought, you know, maybe its time for a new starting point. I mean, this doesn’t even have nuts in it!

I searched online and found one that calls for cream cheese instead of sour cream (my old way had neither) as well as pecans and cinnamon and enough butter to assassinate a world leader. This morning, I woke up at 8, made some coffee, and started up the oven. It’s a good day for it, overcast and cool, perfect for propping the front door and letting a breeze keep the house from boiling. I changed from pecans to walnuts and adjusted the amount of sugar down a bit, and put it in the oven.

I’m impressed with it. The crust is so much less thick, and it smells absolutely amazing. It cooked more thoroughly, and it tastes awesome. Basically, even if you hate bananas, you should try it.

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Jun 01 2013

5 Years

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It’s so weird to think that yesterday would have been my 5th wedding anniversary, and my divorce was filed on Wednesday. It’s not all signed and done, but I’m expecting papers to be served next week sometime.

I feel so conflicted. On one hand, I spent almost 7 years living with this guy, and I feel sad, angry, depressed. On the other, I’m ecstatic that this mess is over, that I can move on with my life. Yes, there was some awfulness in that relationship because, after awhile, we just brought out the worst in each other. I’m going to be changing my name, a clusterfuck that I hated doing the first time, but I don’t want to be like my mom, carrying the name of a failed relationship for 20 years.

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